I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
