After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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