she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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