you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
