i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
