My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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