How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
