This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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