from now on my penis is your penis
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
