You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
