remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
