i already hear my dad disowning me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
