My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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