I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
