I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
