Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
