I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I supernannyed him into submission
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
