i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
