she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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