Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
