his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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