i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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