No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
