If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just pee around me
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
