headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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