When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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