never play flip cup with pint glasses
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
