apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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