my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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