can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
