Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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