9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
