saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
