All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
