His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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