she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
