im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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