New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
