I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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