I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
