My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
