I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
