It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
