Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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