im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
