I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
