I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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