This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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