ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
