Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
