Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize