My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
