I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
