just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
