Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
