she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
