Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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