I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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