"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
