The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
