FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
